Solitude

Solitude... whenever this word came into my mind, i will often think of being alone, it was cold and dark... really no one there but myself...
Friends what are these people all about? They are also humans, which was like you and I but there is always something that made them special... they walk with you on the path you chose... they are people who were know you abit more... its just abit but it make a huge differences. Sometimes, maybe you would of it as a disaster, they sometimes may be in your way or they just do not accommodate to you, but actually they lead you, true friends, a blessing to get them...
Often, or should i say everytime, when i am having a group party, people tend to play a role of an emo guy/girl or someone that need others to care. Till now then I've realised, for most of the event i went out i just do not play a role in it, i felt like that i am just an empty soul which come and go without anyone realising.
During this October to December holiday, i know that i only had be with two person most of the time, often i got told by the back saying that i was a huge 'lightbulb' destroying happiness, instead of shooting out ray of light, it became that i shot out rockets or bombs that destroyed things, creating chaos and hate...
All these just make me realised that i just someone that causes all this problems, the sole/core of all this unhappiness...
Always, after all unhappy thing i have encountered being with or without a group, i would just keep myself happy, cause there always alittle strength in me and make me believed in myself, but its only just alittle strength and dun noe how long i could hold on... This year was really not my year, thing wasnt going in my way and really had lots of problems...
So for my upcoming years, i really hope that thing can get a whole lot better... and could find someone...
Bond that might be stronger...Create a new legend...

Worst! Worst day of my life! But also realised reality life

The day started when i need to go to school at 7.30 because of the secondary one orientation. When i reached school and saw all my bros (including me) in long pants... all look so smart... Then next our job was to direct the student and the parent, but the parent didnt want to sit and keep sticking with their child... when we ask them to sit they just nod their head and stand there again...diao... but overall the thing was good but just that my long pant was really warm!!!
After that, Anton, Malz and i went to jun's house. Play there... play computer and play piano... After that went to find Bran, ask him whether he want to go and cycle with us, but he was too tired and doesnt want to go...
Next, i went back to my house and change my clothes and went to ziyu house and request of borrowing their bicycle...went through lots of procedures to get the bicycle...
We cycle our way to Sebawang where we have our lunch...
Our journey continue as we ride our way to Sebawang beach, we play there and caught some crabs. Then our next station was to find Stella Chee, and she say she was at Ang Mo Ko...

GTG continue Tomorrow...

Great teacher! Great Lessons!...

Today, after the lesson of halogen i kind of uncovered some of myself... it was indeed a really great lesson and some of us shed tears at the later part of the course. we did on quite alot of things this past two day and we discovered our true self in it, what Martin say was meaningful, interesting and facts of lifes... he taught us alot and we also absorb it... have a sharing time of our powerful and powerless time, happy and sad...sweet and bitter... it make us recall lots and lots of things. what was most memorable was the video at the end about Mattie Stepanek, he was a 11 years old guy on 2001 that promote world peace... although suffering from a rare disease he live life to the fullest and had three wishes that was all granted... after that video it really knock me back to sense and learn to really cherished everyone... don't live with regret... tell your loved ones about how you feel about them... don't wait till the end as it will be too late... it was really a great video and Mattie ROX!!! i know others feel it too...
To all the friends,buddies,teachers and everyone... thank you... thank you for what you all had done, with all those encouragements, scoldings and humans life and experience really make me think of lots of things... thx buddies for all the things we been through... memorable days, memorable times and memorable peoples... GREAT memories...

Happy memories and times...

Having two post together today... lets talk about yesterday first...

Yesterday

Having a BBQ at east coast... woke up at 9.. at about 10+ i online and finally all my buddies online... we were discussing on what time are we going to bran's house... 11.30 went out of the house cause need to meet jun as we dun wan to stay at home and we went to buy things... as i was the first to reached, i walked around causeway and finally i went to the entrance and see jun with his maid... the maid was carrying a pair of big roller blade and jun just walk light handed... 'abuse of maid:P'... after that we went to cold storage and we bought some drinks... at 12.30 we meet outside breadtalk and mal, sky and rach came. While we are waiting for qx we talk lots of craps..hahax... after receiving a call from qx and she told us to go ahead we went to bran's house. We went up and call him and he came out of the house with his ***** and we ask rach not to see...OMG...hahax... Finally we went down and lucky enough bran's dad drove us there... thx!... in the car, we had lots of fun... we talk and than sleep in it... about 45 mins we reached east coast and we walk towards the bicycle and the roller blade shop and i was at the dilemma whether to rent the bicycle or the blade... after a deep thought i decided and took the blade, although it was 10 bucks it was quite ok... at the first i was abit clumsy but i got hold of it and play... jun, bran, mal, and i was playing around but i couldn't catch up as i wasn't quite good at it... when it was resting time i sat down and qx requested that she want to learn and i gave her the blade. she was very clumsy and she couldn't stand up and was on the verge of falling down... after a few mins i left her alone and when to the beach where sky and rach was and we started playing the sand, after that mal and jun came and we drew our names on the sand and it was really BIG... after that we went to bowling and bran, mal and sky were playing but that isn't there place and balls as they could not get the score and surprisingly sky got a strike at the last ball and emerge as the champion... as they were starting there second game me, qx and israq went back to help and start the fire... when we were there and try to start the fire it took a long time for us to start it even when bran and the rest finished the match... shu yan also went to help us but it wasn't successful... and finally rennie's mom came and help us if not we need to eat raw food... when we were barbecuing we saw Mrs Tan but she wore the clothes that make us laugh... and they started to call her auntie... and at the time zi yu also got hurt as there was sand it her eyes... while we were barbecuing the others that didn't help went to grab the food and start to eat...ahhh... after talking to us Mrs Tan went back to her table where her family are and sq and rach went to the beach and talk some secrets... bran took his bic and cycle off to somewhere far along with mal... having fun time cooking the food and eat... at about 7 i went to gather them back and tell them that they can eat but i found no sign of mal and bran... at about 8 rach, jun, sky and myself when to Mrs Tan table and talk to her and play with her two child, Renna and Elliott and they were adorable... went talking to Elliott which was two years old... he was so soft that i lean my ear forward and listen to what he say... and guess what... he went to kiss me..OMG... that was sooo random and i was shock and cher told me that he don't anyhow kiss others one and the others was laughing... lol... and we went to talk food for them... Renna being the biggest at four years old and was bright loves rach and us... and she told cher that she like us...haha.. and went they were going rach want to carry Renna the last time but instead of carrying her Renna requested to hug her... so sweet... and cher want us to take pics... cher went to tell the others that she is going home but they were having their dinner at mac... after that bran and mal came back and saw that not much food was left and was quite angry... sry that never left some food for you all... they went to mac and join Mrs Tan... jun, sky, rach, stella and me went there too and we went to talk to them again... at about 9+ they wen t home and we went back to the pit except for bran, mal and sky... went back and saw zi yu still having sand in her eye and rennie parents brought her to the doctor... and we eat and eat... at about 9 something sarah came and she brought bee hoon for us... haha... so much food. clear up all the things at about 10 and we put out the fire that gave out poisonous gases... lol... after that bran's dad drove us back again... thx so much!!! and we talk inside and sleep and relax... haha... fun day... very memorable...

Today

ok... keep it short... woke up at 8 assuming that it start at 9 but it was 10... reached school and we saw Martin... our instructor instead of Ling... but never mind he's good too... have our lunch break at about 11.45 and we went CWP to eat... ahhh... very rush... and we rush back to school as we thought we are going to be late and went we reached school the library wasn't opened... have lesson again... tea break at 3.10 and went to 883 to buy bubble tea... make it back to school late again...haiz..haha.. and watch a video... don't quite understand it. and jun wrote somethings soo good that Mr Martin want him to send him a copy...

Overall, i think that the both day was exciting and fun... it was memorable too... learn something over these two days... time really wait no man and cherished everyone beside you, learn to forgive and forget... everyone have their mistake but learn from it and apply changes to it... no one is perfect and no one will ever be...

Deep thoughts, Deeper moments, Deepest confusion

Don't know whats gone into me... feeling very lost, very tired of running already, really hope to have a long long break... however i know running away doesn't get me anywhere, i only seep into it deeper and deeper... but what can i do? i can't possibly sit down to think of a way, time seriously wait no man how long do i need to take? or should i just start with it right away, aiming aimlessly towards things... maybe i am in a dream that tell me what i am going to be if i still continue to do what i am doing (pinched* pinched*) NO! i am not in a dream, this is a reality, always want to be optimistic, but can i? facts is all infront of me, can't escape out of it.

Always knew that behind all darkness there will always be light, but i have been waiting for quite awhile but it doesn't seem to appear... Should i continue to wait for it? or should i make my own light, a light that can shine through all darkness and keep me going, but for everything, i need something in order to get the thing. where can i find the thing, what am i missing?

Envy all my friends around me, getting all high marks but all are not happy of what they got, kept complaining about how many marks to this, do well in this can score better in this, really can't take it anymore!!!NO MORE!!! stop it already, can you all? comparing your results and whining about how much you all got... but can't you all just take pity on me... stop this already. shouldn't i be the one who do all this? all this whining, complaining, crying, moaning... what exactly should i or can i do?...

Really damn lost now, lost my sense of direction, lost myself, lost in this 'dream'. how could i get out of this? oh someone, please, please save me out of this nightmare...

Odd... shouldn't i be happy after exam, releasing such a heavy load... time really passes very fast. life of secondary three: should i be happy or sad? is it another nightmare or it is a start of something new?

~("Buddies")~

Really really cherished them alot, these are friends that is hard to find, no words could possibly described them... we been through quite alot and hope that this bond would not be broken... don't really know how to express my gratitude towards them... thanks really much...

@(~Jun~Bran~Sky~Malz~)@

What should we do?

Today, the secret was revealed... but all i could see is hurt and pain around them...somehow, she doesn't expect this to be happening. i also quite involve in it, seeing them like that really hurts but what can i do? whats going to happened? maybe i shouldn't even talk when i was there... maybe if he is the one revealing all this none of this incident would happen...whats she is doing now is screaming her head out and hope that this wasn't happening Seriously, don't know whats going to happened this few days but hope its great, cause really don't want gaps in between hard for us and hard for them. what he wish was a happy ending...
but now not sure if he is the Mr. Right cause he never got a reply and he assumed that he does not stand a chance... haiz really hate to see all this stupid things going on!!! stop it!!! no more!!! how i wish i could reverse time and stop all this from happening and even erase it from their mind so they forget about this... life will be different after this day? really hope that it will not happening if not there's only a choice...a choice that will would be...
but from what i know, no matter whats the outcome, he will always want her to be happy... a smile on her face suits her the best/more then anyone...

Down and here are the savers......

Yesterday, i was really down but dont really want to say it out. luckily Shi Qiang and Jun Liang were outside of my class and they console me, dont know why would i get 'the thing'!!! I am also very glad that Brandon even took out some of his time for going through his exam script and console me. very grateful to them all! best buddies forever!!!

!TRUST!

All i ever i wanted is a simple word: (TRUST) but i simply cant get it, even from my VERY VERY BEST buddies! sometimes kind of find it meaningless without trust, secret that arent allow to be spoken have been allow leak out, and ironically instead of finding others, their first suspect is me... cant believed that they could do this, feel damn hurt... and utterly disappointed. feeling of it is like a deep scar, deeply craved into your heart, no matter what you do also cant amend it. its not that i am a person full of grudge but all i need is just trust in everyone eyes, and why cant they give it to me?
I watch them fall every time, i got my head in and watch them cry every time but dont wish that their hopes fades away every time.
WHAT ABOUT TRUST?
you know they never want to hurt you......
Life is always full of 'surprises' hope that they react with what i say, if not i really dont know what to do and feel that all is very meaningless......
*****TrU5+*****

Exam, Exam and Exam

Nowadays noticed that lots of people were very stressful due to examination, all assuming that they are going to flung their work... haiz...
Hope and fate would not find you, you are the only one that can find your own hope or fate.
Sometimes, ever wonder if 'Failure is the start of a success'? seriously i don't think that this sentence is true, now at this time you are only given a chance, if you miss it then that it! don't know if it is a good thing to learn from your mistake as only a chance i given... try to take note of people around you that cares for you and cherish them.
its very difficult now to find a group of friends that you could really share things out, its very lucky as i did have one, but the thing is i think i did not really treat them well. somehow i think that i should not be at that very place, at that very moment, cause i am not needed in there. sometimes think that i am annoying to be in there and hope to get up, but luckily they did not think that way, glad to have them as my best friends! :P
Below is a picture of hope you could get when you lose them:
This remind me of my friends help i could get from them, really really thank them... never will i forget about them......PAP ROX!!!

Distress And Have Fun

Yesterday, woke up at 9, and prepare for going to the library to have a mass study there. leave at about 9.50, ahhh going to be late, luckily all of them are late too. reached library at 10.10 and saw He Sing, standing outside and wait for his friends, asked him whether he saw anyone and he told me that Bran just went up:P went up and saw Candice and Bran talking together, afterwards Jun came and followed Rach then Qiang then Axe. study till 12.30, and we decided to go for our lunch. went to food court to eat as there were six of us we should buy things in pair, but instead we got pair, triplet and one, and that was Bran that as eating duck rice, haiz, sry for not following him... after that is our drinks, Bran, me, jun and Qiang we bought Root Beer float and Axe and Candice bought a cup of mango juice that was much more smaller then ours that cost about 2.80 o.O siao right? so expensive... after the drinks i was stupid to ask whether to go to the movies or Timezone all wanted me to pay.... we went back to study and met Zi Han then and study Chemistry and read some comics, He Sing came and sat next to us. crack out some jokes that made us laugh crazily. at about 5.30 we all wanted to leave as we study for about 8 hours, Zi Han, Qiang, Axe, Candice and Bran go home... we waited for Rach till 7, she was think whether to go or not. while we were wiating for the MRT this is what we took as we want to show it to bran and he loves clouds:
Reach Sebawang at 7.30 and waited for Rach till 8.30, she was actually already in the beach at 7.30. then she came to the playground and we called her then she saw us, super blur. after that we went to play and we took out all our food, before our arrival she was actually talking to a uncle that was fishing there. this was a picture of candles that make up the name of Rach as we make it for her, how we wish Bran was there as we got burned many times in making this:
Next we play wit hsand and water and about 9.30 Rahc went home and left the two of us on the beach. it was super boring there and we started to collect stones and as we dig, we started to dig hole, a very big hole and let the water in. it took us quite a long time as it was quite difficult but we dig the hole and we sat in it as the wave come the water was so cool and relaxing. after playing till 11.30 we decided that we should go and change and we took out our clothes and twisted out the water, without wearing our clothes as we were rushing we go to the toilet half-naked and jun was feeling very weird as it was his first time running around without any clothes.LOL. while we were changing Jun's bro or mom or maid called him, we were told that his bro called Qiang then called my dad and it is like everyone thought that we were missing as we did not pick up our phone we didnt even heard it as we were busily playing. we also got noticed that Rach was worried because she couldnt contact us... haiz. at about 11.30 we board the bus and then take MRT to woodlands and took bus home...
It was quick a boring day as there were only three people in the beach and left with the two of us, hope that next time more people will be allow to go. 9 more days to exam!!! Unleashed it now!!!!AHHHHHH..

Exam! 14 days... got ca2 marks quite dissapointed

today i got back my CA2 result slip, although i did improved but i was quite disappointed of myself as i didnt do up to my expectation, looking around me, friends with higher marks and got quite depressed. maybe i didnt unleashed the true potential in me or i am just imagine maybe this is all i could do...
want to go for counseling maybe i put too much stress on myself, always felt that there is something wrong with me somethings, cant talk much about it.
Never Mind! must buck up on my SA which is quite heavy in my result jia you jia you jia you!!!
Unleashed the power in me and find the light in my heart ...

Start of stress arose...

life is really something you experience it then you will know its true meaning.
sometimes it might not be a good experience but the thing is, you must learn to let go... maybe letting go may just be the solution. dont ever let yourself fall into an endless hole that might be the nightmare of your life, seeping deep in your heart, dont really wish to let go, this scar would not heal by itself unless you put medicine on it, change of destiny is right in your hand, its not fated just change it as you have the ability to. dont ever regret what you had done, do what you think that is right, follow your heart is the cure, letting it go may just get happiness, a scar you dont want may just fade away...

Thank You! Mrs Hariz and Mrs Tan

Thank you so much for your enlightenment, i am feeling much better now. luckily you all came in time as no words could really describe my feeling at the time, thanks shi qiang and jun liang too as you encourage me. thanks i will never forget you all!!!

Rachel Birthday... having lots of fun

On 25 Aug, sat was actually Rachel bd our plan is that we meet at CWP at 12.30. in the end, our plan was delay cos of some ppl that was late! after that we took the Mrt to yishun country club.
we went there and some of us play pool, we waited the pool table for very long as the other table was spoiled and the guy playing was so rich that he kept taking out money after a game and we waited for one an hour before we could get that table finally...
during our waiting Stella and Zaff came, Stella bought cakes for us while Zaff bought a simple card for Rachel due to lack of time. so after a few rounds of pool for teaching Rach how to play by the pro Jun, brandon treat Zaff to a bowling match and there are three players Zaff, Brandon and Rach. they were quite clumsy but Zaff was the pro.. in the game.
immediately after the game we went to Northpoint and have our dinner, while they are having their dinner Stella and i went to buy cakes for Rach as she have a voucher of Cold storage and we bought Saraa lee cake, some corn flakes and whipped cream. out the storage we took out all the things and started to put it into the cake and i put lots of cream, on the way i took out some of the flakes and eat...
while we were on the way to the food court we saw Rachel and she saw the cake! we quickly turn back and we waited for her to come out of the toilet which was about 20 mins and the cream of the cake melted...
Stella was quite impatient le so she tell Brandon and the rest when Rachel is back stay there and make her seated. when we received the call we go into the food court and find them not in it. at the time she was very furious and she call Brandon and when we saw them she and Brandon started a Debate session and both of then kept shouting. finally they stop cos the care bout Rach and we went back in to have the cake but i put too much cream on it which you can see in the pic below

after the cake which taste quite nice we set off to Sebawang Beach which is actually the destination of east coast but its too late we drop off at Sebawang and the '3 evil lame girls' went home so it was left with Rach, Zaff, Stella, Kenji, Brandon and me the six of us. we took 812 to the beach, on the way we sang lots of songs and they play with ants...
we reach and we went to play we thought that Rach and Stella was gone and we have no idea that they were playing in the playground. Brandon and i went to test out the 'Relightable candle' that did not quite relight on the first few trys but we need to relight the candles which is quite ironic. but at last we figure out and we know how to use it.
while we were playing happily Zaff and Stella went back home respectively and left with the four of us Rach, Kenji, Brandon and i which was how we started when we reach CWP we playing happily in the sea and we were like crazy putting sand on our hand making it heavy so that we could not take out and Kenji was playing in the sand and made Rach shout.
at about 11.30 we settled down and we sang a proper BD song for Rach and we relax...
Rach went to change so it left with Bran, Ken and me and the tide was very strong so Ken went to test out the water which causes him to have cramps...
after we all change we went to a table and we asked Rach to open her present and we were glad that she was like and we missed to take a photo of the expression of her face when she opened it. her dad and mom plus her sis came wish really looks like Rach and they went home. it was going 12 and luckily Bran's dad agreed of sending us home and we were very grateful as we could not find any buses at the time. when i reached home i had a 1 hr bath cos i need to wash out the sand in the pants and shirt. Had a great day hope this stays with me every time every night... and looking forward if this event continue...

Being an intelligent gurl/guy isn't as easy or simple as you think....

Sometimes just think that y am i the only prefect that is out of that class... i am so useless cant even make myself study harder keep playing computer games. maybe i should have faith in myself... but where do you think i gonna get all those!
sometimes being that 'intelligent' isn't a great thing at all, keep getting stress all over getting quite emo nowadays, dun noe why must we ever grow up but sometimes grown ups may be better but when it is better you could only live for a few more years. at the blink of eye its already twenty or thirty years time passes far but hurt doesn't it stick to your heart so for a year or so but some just haunt you down all your life! really wonder should i be happy or what someone just tell me why are we in this world with pain, hurt or anything you doesn't want. searching for the light in my heart dun even noe when would i get out of this dark tunnel, if i got out will it be a gd thing or should i just stay inside? sufferings everywhere you could get family problems, sch works, frens, just stress... where do i get all this out or should i just let it seep into my heart. sometimes really wanna cry in sch like in Mr Fato's (maybe wrong spelling) class how could they do those thing to him? really useless of me not help a guy that is old enough be our grandfather. like what our form teacher say we are worst then scums so disappointed with all of us. rite after that was eng lesson he came in, instead of scolding us he came in and praised us, how forgiving can he be! i was on the verge of crying when he told us that he doesn't want us to get scolded but he wanted us to be more responsible with our own actions. with this i broke down into tears keep dripping like a loosen tap. he was the second teacher that made me cried no idea how great he was.
i also hate myself for 'mistreating' Mrs tan last year, this years she was my teacher too, during classes she got 'bullied' by those idiots in class hate me for not standing up for her... maybe cos i didn't even want to care bout myself.
times passes really doesn't want people beside me to get hurt rather seeing them as happy as before, must be in lots pressure to be in the first class, pressures from teacher and sch but do you think you all are the only ones suffering never imagine wat people around you felt. other classes are also having problems not just because we are not in the class we do not experience pressure you all are feeling. do you all ever think that all this people suffer more ? try being scolded by you parent saying you stupider than other. lots of ppl are also suffering!
not saying all this because of my own selfishness but y so stupid hiding everything inside of you having the idea of killing yourself! sometimes don't you all know that saying out to ppl that care to you is much more better better then others guessing wat are you thinking. admit that i also keep things to myself but really hate that, someday we may blow .
To: P'family and other P we are a big family having problems dun mind sharing it out? especially to P'family, notice that we have lots of stress.
wish everyday was as happy as it could ever been.

Creating this new blog!

Just started this blog, never know whats going to happen...